Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Spray Paint the Walls: Things They Never Told Me About Babies Part I

Hello People,

   I know.  I'm a lousy blogger.  I don't really mind this since I actually dislike blogs as a general rule.  This may come as a shock to you.  "But Mr. Strange," you may find yourself saying to your computer screen at this moment, "not only do you have a blog, it even has its own specialized web address for which you paid good ol' inflated American cash."  This is true.  Not only do I have a blog, and not only did I pay for it to have its own web address (the blog equivalent of a vanity plate, blech), but I dislike the very thing in which I find myself voluntarily involved in producing.  What madness this is.  The world makes no sense and I make less.  

Somehow this has become a travel blog which I never quite intended.  And here you say, "But Mr. Strange, you live in a foreign country, traveling is your thing!"  Let us here clarify, I live in a foreign country, which means that I have traveled.  I don't actually do much traveling.  I'm not really comfortable writing a travel blog.  I'm never sure of what to write when writing about travels and when I had the revelation that I was writing a travel blog, I ceased to write one.  Regardless, I have lacked either the time or the energy to write much of anything for the last 3 weeks or so.  Those weeks go something like this: Bess arrives, Bess and I tour the city,  Orbit is born, Hazel and I morph into baby caring zombie machines.  There you have my well developed thoughts on parenting thus far.  Needless to say, Hazel and I are quite happy.  

Babies are strange creatures.  This one is pretty spectacular, obviously, but as a general rule they are well, different.  I would like to now list some things that people didn't tell us, but maybe should have.  I will put a picture with each item on the list so that you will have no excuse but to keep reading:

     1) Stuff shoots out both ends! 
Seriously, today Orbit changed the meaning of spray painting the wall. The ever helpful Aunta Bess took him to his room to change his diaper when we heard a rather piercing, "AAAAAH" and ran into a scene straight out of a mafia movie, except instead of blood there was, well you get it..

     2) Our baby is WAAAAY cuter than your's
... and it really surprises me that not everyone thinks so.  Seriously, don't they know that the very sight of him is no less than their cue to fall to their knees in awe of the adorable being who is my son. Is it not obvious to them that my child is the cutest child of at least the years following the invention of the camera?  

     3) All children look alike, but not mine. 
This may seem similar to #2 but it is quite different.  I'm not a baby person.  In fact, I'll tell you a secret.  I, like my grandmother, kind of think babies are boring. In fact, for the past several years I maintained that though I knew as a fact that children exist, I couldn't see them.  But my kid, well there is an exception to the rule!  What a fountain (sometimes literally) of interestingness.  How well he gurgles and coo's..  What skills in the urinary arts!  Given that I can't see children this may not seem like much, but he is by far the most unique child I've ever laid eyes on. 
      4) Three words: Evil. Baby. Claws.
...Much like the Power Puff Girls were made from sugar, spice, everything nice, and a little dose of Chemical X, babies are cute, cuddly, and have razor sharp parent shredders on their fingers!  We have had to hang a sign on Orbit that says, "Warning: Sharp Claws.  Approach at own risk." He'll have to keep wearing it until we conquer our fear of clipping his finger nails. With that said, here's a picture of his wonderful hobbit feet. 

       So there, once again, are my well developed thoughts on having a kid.  To those of you who don't have kids yet, fear not.  When it comes time for yours' I will tell you all of this.  You will not be as unprepared as I was. 


  1. Proud of you and your boy Elroy. Pray for you daily.

  2. I don't see any hair on those hobbit feet.